Admitting My Mistakes

I recently read a couple of blog entries in which Garrett (Garrett) made a public apology for one stupid thing or another. It appeared that he received some level of personal satisfaction, relief or joy out of making such public apology, so I thought, "HEY, I would really like to get some level of personal satisfaction, relief or joy..." so, I decided to give it a try. I can only cover a few of my mistakes here...but you can be assured there are many more:

1. As it turns out, Hairy Prison Guard is not Richard Simmons. I have admitted my mistake to him and would like to extend a full fledged apology right here and right now. Hairy, I apologize for mistaking you for Richard Simmons. Hairy has established his own blog. Unlike the Poop On Rosenblatt blog (Poop On Rosenblatt) , I had nothing to do with the Hairy Prison Guard blog (Stories From a Hairy Prison Guard). I encourage you to visit that site, but do not feel like you need to cry.

2. I apologize to Linda Maloney...just in case she is real and not a creation of Crusher and his sick friends. Linda, I am sorry. (Linda Maloney)

3. Everything that Dr. Phil says is wrong, I have done at one time or another during my lifetime. Dr. Phil, I am sorry.

4. Damning Erin for withholding information regarding the shoe and the clamp. Erin, I am sorry. (Erin)

5. For 30+ years of chronic "self stimulation", I apologize to all of the models appearing in the JC Penney catalogue. (JCPenney). I am sorry JC Penney underwear model ladies, you are more than mere sex objects for my personal gratification - you are also excellent marketing techniques for women's undergarments.

6. I would like to apologize for being passive aggressive at times. To those people to whom I have been passive aggressive, I am sorry - you probably know who you are - although, as I told all of my friends behind your backs, you people should take some responsibility for this since it isn't all my fault and it is really your failings that are causing the problem. Anyway, I am sorry - sort of . But, come to think of it, those people sort of piss me off...

7. For all of you that drive too slowly for me when I am going to work - I apologize for flipping you off. Especially that one time that my secretary was on the interstate in front of me, driving slowly, and I didn't recognize her until after I had flipped her off. For that I am sorry.

8. I'm sorry for being drunk...but that's how I roll.

9. Michael J - you know who you are - I thought you were guilty for fondling those boys. The jury said I was wrong and, therefore, I apologize.

10. In one post, I accidentally typed "your" when I meant "you're." I corrected it and tried to cover it up after someone pointed it out to me. I was so humiliated. For being deceptive and covering up my error, I apologize.

I think 10 apologies are enough for one night. I really feel like this has been a growing experience. These public apologies are so liberating.

Please note that I am not sorry for using "Rosenblatt" as a euphemism for "poop."