The Mormon and the F-Bomb
A good friend of mine (for the sake of protecting his identity, we will call him TT) is a Mormon.
Yes, it is true that a pathetic, souless wretch of an agnostic, hell-bound, friend of Satan like me has a Mormon friend. I don't tell many people this as it would completely ruin my reputation - which, as you can tell, I have gone to great lengths to develop. Since I know virtually none of you other than through this medium, I feel that I can both admit my friendship with said Mormon dude while, at the same time, maintaining my status as the anti-Christ. I think this entry will seal the latter status.
TT is as sweet and innocent as any Mormon boy from Mesa, AZ could possibly be. He is active in his church/temple/parish. He has a lovely family. He follows all the rules of Mormon life.
Which is why it has been my lifelong goal to corrupt him.
My first effort came following a lengthy discussion of movies. The conversation eventually turned to Guy Ritchie movies. Why it turned to Guy Ritchie movies will forever be a mystery to me, yet that is where the conversation led.
During said discussion, TT said, "Hey, have you seen that one with Brad Pitt in it...I can't remember the name of it."
The group attending lunch with him struggled to come up with the name of the movie and subsequently moved on. Not TT, however. He continued to struggle to come up with the name of the film the remainder of the lunch hour, the ride back to the office and for a short period of time thereafter. Somehow TT either remembered the name of the film or looked it up on the internet. In any event, he sent this e-mail:
"I was thinking of Snatch."
To which one of the females in our group replied, "That's all you guys ever think about."
The rest of us fell out laughing. TT sat there staring at his screen perplexed. He knew it meant something, but wasn't certain exactly what. Fortunately for TT, he came to me and I taught him the meaning of that term. I relished how red his face became as I explained. It was priceless.
My second major effort to corrupt TT occurred more recently. During an e-mail exchange, I mentioned something to the effect that he should become a "fluffer." To avoid having to face the humiliation of having me explain what a fluffer is, TT took matters into his own hands and did a Yahoo search for "fluffer." He shoots, he scores. Evil-doers 2 - Mormons 0. Somewhere out in cyberspace is electronic evidence that our fair-haired, clean-cut TT has been doing internet research on fluffers!!
Near complete corruption occurred within the last couple fo weeks and I am sorry to say that I was not present for his downfall. Apparently a major decision on a case he was working on was issued...and the request for summary judgment and dismissal of his client was denied. Our reverent Mormon friend dropped the F-Bomb. I am so proud!
Given his precipitous decline, I am almost certain that we will all be hitting the nudie bar this weekend - with TT leading the way.
posted by FLAMINGO1 at 12:38 PM
59 Comments:
Well done, Master Jedi.
The F bomb is good for the soul, regardless of what diety to which your soul is entrusted.
You lost me at Snatch.
Laughing with tears.
Provided the rippers don't let him in on too many secrets, you should now ask him if his new occupation as fluffer swallows. What will he do??!! Perhaps yahoo/google: fluffers; swallow? Perhaps he'll stumble upon Barry Manilow and Phil Spector? That would really throw him off.
OMG, he didn't know "snatch" and "fluffer"?!
Let me loose on a room full of mormon men?!
Jesus, what fun!!!!
Oh my. I got "Snatch", but I think I'm going to have to google "fluffers" myself.
Unless anyone here cares to enlighten me?
I didn't think so.
Msamber
MsAmber - you can be my fluffer, if you'd like.
A fluffer is someone who aids a male before action is called and camera's roll on a porno set.
I want to be a fluffer.
I want to be your fluffer, Pinky.
I think there may be room for 2 or even three fluffers.
The bible says you shouldn't try to corrupt people. You are doing the devil's work
TT is that you? TT has been reading this and is now mortified because God probably reads my blog.
Please provide me with a reference to the chapter and verse in which the Bible says that you shouldn't corrupt people.
I don't recall a "Thou shalt not corrupt" in the 10 Commandments.
I googled it.
How could I not have caught that.
Fluffy penises. OK.
MsAmber
Ummm. Excuse me.
Why would they NEED a fluffer?
Isn't the impending job motivational enough?
I guess maybe the pressure to "perform" can be a bit much. That might indicate to you that you are in the wrong business?
Well, come to think of it, it would be like work if you had to do it all the time...
I wonder if porn stars are disfunctional at home?
Why am I thinking about porn stars?
You are corrupting ME now!
Stop it.
MsAmber
MsAmber, did you try a google image search? I think you should.
Laughing at your corruption,
Flamingo1
Have you tried waiting until he walks away from his computer and then setting his home page to DonkeySex.com? Are you able to take a collection among all of your friends and hire a Working Lady to corrupt him? Have you glued pictures of yourself naked into his sweet little Mormon bible?
Corruption is terribly time consuming but oh so sweet when done successfully...
Jane, all of those ideas are pure (evil) genius.
I especially like the suggestion of gluing naked pictures of myself in his Bible. Wouldn't the angel Moroni be surprised to heft those golden plates?!?!?!
But, alas, I am afraid that he has read this and will be on to any such shenanigans.
Doh!
oh well in that case may i have Mormon bible anyhow? bible pages make awfully good joint rolling papers...
It is the Book of Mormon and it probably makes excellent rolling papers.
I always find it interesting how other Christian religions find it so unfathomable that Joseph Smith was given information from an angel that was intended by God to be another book of the Bible. How is that any more or any less silly than Moses getting the Ten Commandments or any one of the authors of the books of the Bible getting their inspiration and direction from God? Aren't we just talking about a matter of when it was supposed to happen? It's purely a matter of chronology.
Because it happened a thousand six hundred years ago, it makes it much more reliable. How stupid is that. Do we take medical journals and say they are much more reliable because they are hundreds of years old? Or do we just reserve that sort of treatment things such as the divine powers of god?
C'mon!
TT - see, man, I am going to bat for your peeps (sort of).
Flamingo let's draft up our own set of commandments. 11 of them - just like a cricket team. I'll start:
1. Thee shall nowt cut my cocaine with baby laxatives
Great post!
The Ranando Report
Either that, or he'll make a homemade sex tape - acting as a fluffer.
2. Thee shalt nowt rub one out to pictures of farm animals.
oh crap. can we negotiate that one, flamingo? i think commandments should only be stuff that's realistically achievable - no need to set the bar so high, eh?
As somebody who has done her fair share of corrupting, hats off to you, my friend.
Regarding your post on my blog...I've been crazy busy lately, but once hubby returns to work, I'll be back over at Recreational Use. Right now I'm up to my ears in vacation sex and puppy poop, not necessarily in that order.
Good point. Let's give this one a shot:
2. Thee shalt nowt give head with broken glass in thy mouth.
Actually i just had my heart broken recently. Could we possibly scrap that one too?
Fluffer and proud (as I go lock our homemade porn movies in the safe)... ;)
Jane, I appreciate your situation but I must insist on a rule of this nature. I think I have a redraft that will satisfy both of us:
2. Thee shalt nowt give Flamingo1 head with broken glass in thy mouth.
3) Thee shalt nowt give cunnilingus improperly.
4) Thee shalt nowt shoot in eye.
Flamingo (or should I say the Devil) this is TT. You call that going to bat for my peeps? Thats the kind of weak argument that would get you laughed out of court (or at least a bemused judicial snickering--and that's not pleasant either--not that that has ever happened to me you understand, but I digress).
As for taking Jungle Jane's suggestions, I am keeping my scriptures far away from you. You probably think this is for my protection. I assure you it is not. I fear you might combust, or alternatively be smitten by God if you touched something so pure (see the whole struck down for stabilizing the ark incident for precedent). Kind of like the much feared, uncontrolled matter/anti-matter reaction in Star Trek. Same thing. Total destruction. And notwithstanding your whole "I'm going to hell and I am taking everyone I can with me" attitude--I would miss you buddy.
TT - I feared for a moment that you had trapped me in my own web of deceit. I had to find out what "Kagemusha" was so I did a google search. The entire time I feared that it would be some kind of Mormon brainwashing trick to pull me over to the powers of goodness and light. I was relieved to find out that it was some Japanese movie about good v. evil. Now I understand the context of your response.
See, I told you he was lurking out there...watching....judging...
4) Thou shall nowt allow mormons to procreate. Mormons shall remain in pergatory, masterbating.
Flamingo,
I do not judge you (perhaps pity you from my oh so lofty moral highground. But that is not the same thing, is it?).
Actually I was trying to find a good scripture to back up anonymous' rant (not that a two line post really deserves to be called a "rant"--but again I digress).
The best one I can come up with is Ephesians 4:14 where it talks about wicked people who lie in wait to deceive. Hey buddy (giving you a playful punch in the arm) that could be you!!! Just trying to help you sell your biker image.
What exactly does Ephesians 4:14 say about wicked people who lie in wait? It makes it sound like it is a bad thing?
Folks, let me just say that if TT cannot come up with a scripture to back up the claim that the Bible says that you shouldn't corrupt people - then such a scripture does not exist.
Accordingly, I am in the clear! Woot! Let the corruption continue.
TT, I am going to pick up a wad of $1 bills for Friday night. See you then.
Psychic dumb-dumb,
I think I have to ivoke Jungle Jane's rule of not setting the bar too high. Not allowing Mormon's to procreate is like forbidding sharks to swim. Like banning flamingos from riding. It goes against our very nature.
I could perhaps accept a certain child limit, but not an outright ban. Never gonna work.
Kinda like Flamingo and that whole thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife thing. It was never gonna happen.
5) Thou shall lie in wait to deceive.
Please note that he never objected to the maturbating part of that "commandment."
Flamingo,
The verse I noted in the New Testament is part of a larger sermon which speaks of us being grounded in our faith in Christ such that wicked people cannot lead us astray. The verse reads (KJV): "That we henceforth be no more as children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive."
I would like to add that, unlike you with the cushy corporate position, I actually have work to do (and I don't have my scriptures at hand--being at work and all). I am sure some other people will be more than capable of giving you multiple references in the scriptures where it says avoid people who would corrupt you, or God will smite evildoers, or other very nasty stuff.
Hey, I drafted commandment #5 before the last two comments by Pinky and TT.
Pinky, your friend TT is an abortionist.
Hey, when you get a chance. I would like a set of sanctified underwear. You can steal them directly off the clothesline of any Mormon.
I collect bloomers, see. And I need a set of Mormon bloomers for my collection. I have three pair of Amish bloomers - the highlight of my collection.
MsAmber
MsAmber - I am certain that, by the end of the evening on Friday, TTs sanctified bloomers will have been tossed into the wind. I will collect them and send them to you.
By the way, you have the distinction of being the only person I know with an esoteric underwear collection.
I wonder if Dongley would consider donating his shredded leopardskin thong?
Flamingo, first I must curse you for drawing me into your blog web. I am strangely compelled to respond to comments and it is killing my productivity (such as it was).
PDD, huh?
MsAmber, there is nothing sanctified about them. They are simply meant to remind us of our covenants. Not meant to be out there for the whole world to see (notwithstanding kids these days who tend to show off their underwear via baggy pants) but rather inwardly to remind ourselves. They have no "powers" of ther own. (Unless the cotton/poly blend has special powers I am unaware of. But I am not a scientist so I can only speculate).
Are you suggesting that wearing these sanctified underwear does not imbue you with the power to smite?
Then what the hell have I been so afraid of? Now I do not feel compelled to be respectful of you like I had been.
Confidential to everyone but TT: see how much fun it is to lead him down the path of destruction. Having a hobby is so fulfilling.
TT, please allow Pinky to explain why you are in fact an abortionist.
Pinky, do you remember the conversation involving your mastabatory sessions? If so, please explain to your friend.
Ahhhh...I was lost along with TT there for a moment.
Yes, TT, abortion is purely a matter of timing. Taken to the logical extreme, your propensity for self-gratification is a mass abortion resulting from the destruction of millions of potential little lives.
I wonder if I could ride in the carpool lane and claim that I have millions of tiny little passengers with me?
That would make perfect sense to the christians.
Do you have a day off today, Pinky?
No...I am blogging from work. I try to limit blogging from work. However today I am unusually distracted. I have several projects that I need to finish and I am procrastinating.
Me too. Although none of my projects consist of law.
I too am procrastinating. i love getting paid to write about vaginas on my blog.
TT, please give me the bible. I will not roll joints, i swear. and nor will i practise my pornogami skills with it. honest.
you can trust me, TT.
Flamingo, how can you commit mastabutory mass murder when you are sterile as a result of that fork incident?
Jane, you do realize that in order for me to get you a Bible and/or a Book of Mormon you would have to give me your address. I would then likely sic the missionaries on you. Then you would be converted. Then would harbor guilt about writing your sexually explicit blog (I presume it is secually explicit as you mention getting "paid to write about vaginas"). Then you would quit your blog, no longer make a salary and be thrown out of your flat for not being able to pay the rent. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I pushed the first dominoe in a series of events leading to you becoming homeless.
TT, you are now responsible for Jungle Janes entire future. If she fucks up, it's on your hands. If you fail, God will no longer love you and as a result he will evict you from purgatory and send you to hell where you will have to masterbate in a lake of fire.
Oh, I forgot to bid you Good Luck.
The Doctrine & Covenants and The Pearl Of Great Price are the Mormon books of worth, alongside the Bible.
Elderly Mormon Ladies are usually financially well-off. Can you explain this phenomenon to me?
How come I've never seen a Mormon Grandmother as a bag lady? Huh? Do you kill them? Do you? Confess!
Why don't you have any poor old Mormon women? I'll not rest until I have an answer. I WILL expose your secret underground old lady killing factories.
I will be on you like,...like,...
Like Something!
MsAmber
Maybe they give their elderly women the respect and support they deserve...or perhaps they just kill them.
Kagemusha - the correct answer may get you some converts...and then don't you get some sort of a bonus?
MsAmber, as you correctly note most elderly Mormon ladies are fairly well off. This comes from the church’s strong emphasis on taking care of family and the overall commandment to care for the elderly. That and we kill off the poor ones.
Flamingo, as for the “convert bonus” you speak of, this is one of our most sacred topics and I really shouldn’t tell an outsider…..but what the heck. If I help convert ten or more people my tithing obligation goes from 10% down to 7% because I am partially credited with the tithes paid by those new converts. It’s kind of like Amway.
Goodness. The truth is out.
Surprisingly, I'm neither shocked nor horrified.
In fact: My respect for the Mormons has gone up quite a bit. I used to think the Mormons were only good for one thing:
City Planning,(and city populating).
MsAmber
That is really two things, but we only emphasize the latter.
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