Monday, February 20, 2006

Marital Advice from Flamingo1


I had an extremely busy weekend and didn't have time to make a new entry to replace my whining about my rotten day on Friday. It is my vast experience with days like Friday and my even more vast experience with women that permits me this level of freedom to offer all of you a little bit of marital advice; call it counseling if you prefer.

This is really mostly for the ladies out there but may also work for those with an alternative lifestyle. It is the best advice regarding what to do after an argument with your spouse.

Ladies and alternative lifestyle visitors - if you and your significant other ever get into an argument, here is a way to end the argument and move on with life. I guarantee the results.

All you have to remember is the following three easy steps:

1. Apologize
2. Cook him a nice meal
3. Perform oral sex.

That's it. The secret to a happy marriage. Remember, it does not matter whose fault the fight was. This three-step program will resolve any marital dispute.

Now go out there and live a long and happy married life.



NOW CLICK ON THIS LINK!!

STEEL AND BRAWN

46 Comments:

Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

I do all three everyday regardless if we have fought. Does this mean I should start raising some hell?

7:46 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

No, it is not like a get out of jail free card to be used later.

It must be used at or around the time of the argument and should be in the order listed although some variation is acceptable.

7:49 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Yeah, but I want to raise some hell!!

Confidential to pinky: a lot of variation is applied.

I deserve some points. some points = fire.

8:04 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Jesus Toast provided this enlightening comment...

As a possible solution to a recent (this morning) fight I had with my wife, I have printed off your fail-safe solution list, and left it on her vanity in the bathroom. I can't wait to come home to the impending marital bliss that awaits me!

8:11 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Bloodgood provided this enlightening comment...

Wow! I dont know about you guys, but I cant even get that when she is happy. I have to practically beg for step 3. As for step 2, if I want to eat carrots and lettuce the rest of my life then maybe she'll cook for me. Step 1 is a pipe dream dude.
In my house that is what we call wishful thinking. Although Flmg is right it would end any argument insantly.
Hope it works for some of you!!!!!!

8:46 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Eve provided this enlightening comment...

Men are such simple souls. Exactly why full-time lesbianism would NEVER work for me... ;)

9:06 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

Toast, let me know how that works out for you. I hope she follows those three easy steps.

It is just SO easy, I don't know why they all don't follow these simple rules.

Nowhere Girl - I am delighted you said that fulltime lesbianism would not work out for you. It leaves that fantasy part-time lesbian thing in tact. When was the last time you had a pillow fight that resulted in some girl on girl action????

Bloodgood - I hear ya, man. Have you tried keeping your pimp hand strong?

9:44 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

I was going to say part-time lesbianism works for me, but my boss walked in and I had to shut down. Now that I am saying it, are you going to fantasize about me Pinky, as I fantasize about you??

You are dreamy...

10:03 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Murf provided this enlightening comment...

Where does a handjob fall in?

10:12 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

PDD - I just fantasized about you, Nowhere Girl, Roximoon, Erin, Femi and Jungle Jane having a slumber party...when Erin playfully strikes you with a pillow and then the music starts...

bow, chicka bow bow...

10:15 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

Murf - a handjob can be useful at times. However, after a fight, nothing says I am sorry like oral. A handjob says, I'm not really sorry, I am just doing this to shut you the hell up.

Trust me. Go with the oral.

10:16 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Erin:
I want you to ruffle my feathers...

Pinky:
I want to see you (honk) as you watch. Then I want you to join in. Can you handle it??

10:20 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Handjobs are for elementary students only!

I don't know why people even bother engaging in said act. It's useless unless you are doing it to yourself.

Oral all the way!

10:25 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Dongley Shlongford provided this enlightening comment...

I like to watch New Kids on the Block videos while I'm getting my wang mouthified. Donnie really makes The Pendulum salivate.

10:37 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

I was optimistic when I read the post. But I can see from these comments that the men in the group have missed the point.

Men - I think (hope) what Flamingo is saying is that when there has been a fight, regardless of your perception of fault, you should follow the three steps Flamingo outlined. Expecting your significant other to follow the three steps is the kind of thinking that started the disagreement in the first place.

Plus, when you're done, assuming you've done a bang-up job, maybe there'll be an "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" kind of vibe in the air ...

10:39 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Dongley Shlongford provided this enlightening comment...

Angry women make better lovers.
If a woman is mad at me, I like to throw it in her pooper. They'll ride like they are coming down the homestretch of the Kentucky Derby.

10:40 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

Of course I see Flamingo created the confusion by using the pronoun "him." I assumed he did that in reference to the alternative lifestylers.

10:41 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

Garrett, Garrett, Garrett - this is exactly the kind of thinking that has sissified the country that I love so dearly.

My advice was clear when given. If a woman (or a gay male) wants to end a fight, this is a sure fire way to end that disagreement. Once these three steps have been completed, I (and I believe almost any other male out there) will forgive their significant other completely.

Dongley, the new look is...well,...disturbing.

10:51 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

I mixed my nouns and verbs in that last comment in a horribly butchered manner. How embarassing.

10:52 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

Oh, my mistake. I thought you were giving good, serious advice.

Carry on, then ... I hope your pride keeps you warm at night!

10:55 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Dongley Shlongford provided this enlightening comment...

Murf,

my handjobs can fall in where ever you want them to. That's the beauty of giving one to a professional Polynesian cartogrpher like myself.

10:56 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

This is good advice. Are you arguing that this wouldn't work? Are you assuming that your wife does not want the argument to end? Of course she does!!

And to insure that it ends, she should follow these three easy steps.

Look, Garrett, do exactly what Toast did on the next occasion on which you and your spouse have an argument. Print out this little marital advice and leave it somewhere she will read it.

I think you will be pleased at the results.

11:00 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog provided this enlightening comment...

Jesus Toast:

When you return home, that whooshing sound you will hear will be a large, heavy frying pan hurtling towards your mug.

So my advice to you would be: duck.

11:01 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

Velvet Fog - I expect that sort of response from Garrett. He is clearly a sissy boy.

But I looked up to you. You wear bicycle shorts and shit. I thought you were a man.

Men - we built the Eiffel Tower out of steel and brawn. We invented fire and the wheel. Our brains are three times larger than women's brains. It's science.

11:06 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

I didn't get that genius Ron Burgundy quote exactly right, so I edited this entry - you can now listen to the immortal words of Ron Burgundy on the original post.

11:13 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

We only designed and built the Parisian Phallus because we weren't getting it regularly enough because we kept stepping on our pride. And we wanted a monument to memorialize our self-inflicted frustrations.

11:14 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Dongley Shlongford provided this enlightening comment...

If I memorialized all my self inflicted frustrations, I'd have to buy a bigger bungalow.

11:15 AM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

I can't stop laughing. This is what I call life!

Velvet Fog:
I can't stop laughing...

Dongley:
Your appearence is beyond marvelous.

Pinky & Garrett:
You are a team. I think I hear wedding bells...

12:12 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Jesus Toast provided this enlightening comment...

As testament to the wisdom of Flamingo's wise words, I would just like to say that his advise has worked. After I came home at around 3 AM on a Sunday night/Monday morning, stinking of smoke, booze and cheap perfume, my face smeared with what was obviously foundation, my wife, needless to say, was a bit "annoyed" with me. This morning, as I awoke and her and I continued the no speaking trend from earlier that morning, I went downstairs and read this journal entry with the directions.

I printed off the list and placed it lovingly on her bathroom vanity, so she could find it, have all day to ponder it, and then follow the directions once I came home.

Well, I went home for lunch today, and to my surprise there was a bowl of soup, a tuna fish sandwhich and a tall glass of scotch waiting for me. ONce I was done, my wife fell to her knees and blew me right there in the kitchen. When she was done, she stood up, wiped her chin, hugged me (no kiss) and said she was sorry about last night.

I told her "damn right you are. I love you", and went back to the office.

All is right with the world; thank you Flamingo.

12:56 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger The Velvet Fog provided this enlightening comment...

What color is the sky in your world?

12:58 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Shannon provided this enlightening comment...

Ummmm yeah.... glad you're feeling better??

Ohhhh and those rules only apply "IF" you want your marriage to work out.. or if you gave a rats azz.. ask me if I do? LOL..

Have a good day =)

1:19 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

There you have it. The proof is in Toast's pudding.

I want the ladies out there to take special note how this whole situation went from silence and anger to forgiveness and "I love you."

I think I have done my good deed for the day.

As this situation arises with each of the gentlemen out there, please keep me apprised of the results.

1:32 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Complete Game provided this enlightening comment...

This is f'in sweet. Cannot wait until the next time I see your lovely lady to confirm all the details w/ her of this great plan!

2:45 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Jesus Toast provided this enlightening comment...

I want to reitterare that my results were as I reported them to be. I will say though, I always have a large glass of Macallan scotch with lunch, so that wasn't that unusual, but the soup and the sandwhich? Completely out of left field. Oh yea and the head! Totally unexpected...

2:46 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

NICE!!!!

Game - you will not get within 50 feet of my wife. I am getting a restraining order.

2:49 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger jungle jane provided this enlightening comment...

So. i get where the apology was directed but tell us....who did you cook the meal for and perform the oral sex on??

2:59 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

Please note that I did not say this is how my situation was resolved. I just said that this is a guaranteed way to resolve a conflict with your significant other.

Trust me, if I could end a fight with my wife by apologizing, cooking a nice meal and performing oral on her, I would do so in an instant. It does not work both ways.

3:02 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Bloodgood provided this enlightening comment...

I love that clip.
I love lamp.

4:23 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger Used Hack provided this enlightening comment...

That sounds like what I do. :)

6:37 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger MsAmber provided this enlightening comment...

I find myself unable to respond in any manner that wouldn't offend the other wives who may be reading.
But I agree. I always kiss his boo-boo and make it all better.
Life is so much more wonderful when we're not fussing, and he's liable to pout for a whole week if I don't bring him out of it. He can be such a turd-bucket when he's pouting.
I just sneak up on him in the shower or anywhere, kiss the boo-boo, and he's a happy camper for the rest of the day.
MsAmber

7:27 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Does this mean Greek women have bigger brains and are smarter than say, er... American Men?

7:36 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Steel and Brawn would have to be Greek in order to speak of such inventions. Bes mes sto gabriole, pama yagana cafe.

7:37 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

those appeared out of order.

7:51 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger drunkbh provided this enlightening comment...

Too many steps. #3 has always worked for me by itself.

10:55 PM, February 20, 2006  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Oh, I have to bring it to 45

9:41 AM, February 21, 2006  
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2:20 PM, May 12, 2006  

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