Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Draconian Measures, Dinner and Why I Like Flamingos


I am not a nice guy.

I am a dickhead. I have learned to live with this fact of life. Accordingly, I have adjusted Blogs of Note with a draconian hand. Now that we have that behind us, let us move on to more important things...


I had a good night tonight. We had a "family dinner." That is probably too white suburban asshole for many of you, but I am a white suburban asshole and I have to say I loved it. A very large part of the dinner hour was re-telling tales of embarrasing fart and poop stories. God I love my family.

Much of the discussion involved where one can and cannot poop. I cannot drop the kids off at the pool in any public forum in which I might be recognized...including by my shoes. If the doors go all the way to the floor and I can be completely anonymous, I am fine. Otherwise, I can hold it like a dromedary in the desert.

My son is apparently the same way. So much so that he related the story of when he was in high school and had to have my wife come pick him up so that he could go home and do his business. No pooping at school.

There were also several stories involving public farts. There are very few joys in life better than ripping one in public, say in an aisle in the grocery store, and then walking away to leave the impact for complete strangers to enjoy. The payoff is when you hear the subsequent visitor comment on your work - "Holy shit, what is that?" That will keep us chuckling for YEARS.

Public flatulence-what a gas!

By the way, we had pork chops tonight...and yes, I couldn't help but wonder...


Psychic Dumb Dumb and Drea were curious as to why I like pink flamingos. It is actually somewhat of a long and complicated explanation, but here it is:

A few years ago I lived in a quaint little midwestern town in Iowa called Cedar Rapids. It is a city of about 120,000 people. Cedar Rapids is a quiet little blue collar town dominated by Quaker Oats processing and Rockwell Collins manufacturing. I worked as an attorney at a large national life insurance company.

In that quaint little town there is a chain of pharmacies (similar to Walgreens or Longs Drug) called "Drug Town." I've always been amused by that name, but that's the god's honest truth - Drug Town! Not only do they have a pharmacy in Drug Town, but most of them also have a postal substation.

While on my way home from work late one afternoon, I had the need to mail a couple of items; most likely bills. So, I pulled into the Drug Town that was about two miles from my home and went inside. It was fall and there were pumpkin displays, bales of hay and bound shocks of corn creating a pre-halloween display at the front of the store. I made my way past the garden utensils and Halloween decorations and down the aisle past the hair care products toward the back of the store where the postal substation was located. Of course they put it at the back corner of the store so you had to go all the way through the store past their entire stock of goods to get a fucking stamp. So I did.

I reached the back of the store to find one person in line. I took my place in line, fidgeting impatiently while looking at a display of walking canes and other osteopathic aides located near the substation. While browsing, I noticed a little, hunched-over older lady wearing a long overcoat shuffle into line behind me.

At this time, stamps were thirty-two cents each. I had three envelopes to mail. While not a mathematical genius, I did the math and realized that I would need precisely (no more, no less) ninety-six cents. While waiting for the prior customer to finish up, I reached into my pocket and found....EXACTLY ninety-six cents. I had exact change. You can probably imagine how elated that made me feel. I'm sure that you've been there...having exact change is delightful. You can pay for your item without waiting for change AND unload that pocketful of jangly crap you have been toting around all day. EXACT CHANGE!! Hooray. Three quarters, one dime, one nickel and six pennies...ninety-six cents!

Pretty soon, the prior customer finished up their irritating little transaction and moved along. I was up. I placed my envelopes on the counter and the postal clerk asked, "How can I help you?"

To which I proudly replied, "I need three stamps, please." I am always that polite. I think it is because of my solid midwest upbringing.

The postal clerk, having math skills equal to my own, quickly came to the conclusion that, "That will be ninety-six cents, please."

I reached back into my pocket and pulled out all my change, knowing that there was EXACTLY ninety-six cents there. As I pulled the ninety-six cents from my pocket one of the six pennies that I had in my pocket slipped through my fingers, fell to the floor, hit the floor, bounced twice and then began rolling...and rolling....and rolling. That little fucker rolled past my feet, past the little old lady in the overcoat and toward the walking cane display. It rolled in ever-tightening circles in front of the walking cane display until it came to a stop right there on the floor.

By this point, I had turned to watch the penny roll and began walking in the direction it appeared to be headed. The little old lady had turned with me, with the precision timing of the Blue Angels. She, one step in front of me.

Accordingly, she reached the penny one step ahead of me. I really didn't want to make this lovely woman bend down to pick up my penny, but she had position. So I really had no choice. Stiffly, she bent down to pick up that penny, lying right there in front of the walking cane display while I politely smiled and began to extend my hand to accept the penny. I couldn't help but think that this was such a kind gesture by this woman. The midwest is truly a wonderful place to live; the people are very polite and generally kind to each other.

I smiled at her and extended my hand and began to form the words "Thank you very much!" when she took that penny and placed it into her pocket.

Now, I stood there with my mouth agape and my hand extended with no hope of that penny ever coming back to its rightful owner. My brain raced. "That's my penny" then, "Let it go, it's just a penny" and then..."but you had EXACT change!" I must have run through this progression three times in that instant. I was aghast. I was shocked. I was appalled.

I turned around to the clerk and took out a dollar bill, placed the stamps on my envelopes and dropped them in the box.

You gotta pick your battles.

That's the way I roll.


Blogger NowhereGirl provided this enlightening comment...

Dearest Flamingo,

I find your poop story both repulsive and endearing all at the same time ;-).

What up with the Poop Phobia anyway? When you gotta' go... you gotta' go...

9:33 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger crallspace provided this enlightening comment...

Good story, but I still don't know why you like Pink Flamingos. The movie by John Waters is wonderful... any resemblence? I too had a strong midwest upbringing, but with an underlying darkness.

Pooping in public can be done in solitude and with a toilet paper covering so you don't sit in others' piss.

Flamingo, I have a blog request for you site: Explain your platform as a Libertarian Viking.

9:41 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger crallspace provided this enlightening comment...

Oh yeah... DRUG TOWN is a hilarious name for a store. What Edith Bunker came up with that one?

9:43 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger lula provided this enlightening comment...

You mean Viking were Libertarians like when they came down to New York? I thought the French gave us the statue?

10:22 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

No poop phobia per se. It is really more of a public humiliation phobia. I guess it stems from my original potty training. I don't want to share my "experience" (including sounds and smells) with others. Those are mine.

Yeah, I was kind of fucking with everybody about explaining the flamingo thing. But it got you to read the entry, didn't it? It's all in the marketing.

11:32 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

I'm guessing that you are going to get a variety of positions on what the Libertarian platform is. Generally speaking, I look at the Libertarian platform as what the old Republican philosophy used to be before it lost its way.

1. Small federal government - federal government is extremely inefficient and should be limited in its role and scope - do you REALLY want the U.S. government administering healthcare? Just look at how they handle the Veterans Administration!

2. Similar to point 1 - significantly reduce government spending. The budget is ridiculous at this point. Billions of dollars are wasted every year in ridiculous ways. Those are OUR dollars and should be either staying locally or staying in your pocket. End pork belly politics.

3. Freedom of religion - while I believe the words, "In God we Trust" or "one nation under God" should be removed from government documentation (and the pledge) without spending ridiculous amounts of money to do so, EVERYONE should have the right to practice or not practice their religious beliefs.

4. Government should not control our bodies - that's right, I think government should not make the decision as to whether someone can have an abortion, commit assisted suicide or have sex (heterosexual or homosexual - provided it occurs between consenting adults). Again, small government.

5. Generally not big on welfare programs - the ones I would support would be funded and administered locally - not federal. Once funds hit the fed government hands, you may as well flush half of them down the toilet.

I can go on and on, but people hate lengthy comments. Do you want to hear my Viking platform too???

Lula, you are a nut.

11:46 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger BadGod provided this enlightening comment...

Oh my god. I would have.....I mean , just.....killed....old.....lady..........

Anywhooo.....I used to haul into the Quaker Oats plant. Fuckers always wnated their shit around 7 am. That meant I had to be out of bed around 2am. Leave Omaha by 3:30 am. That sucked.

3:35 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger L>T provided this enlightening comment...

Good story. I was looking all over that store for the pink flamingo. Personally(& i hate politics, btw) i dislike the two party system. i voted for Nader two yrs. in a row. The first yr. he ran for the Green Party. My other green friends(& i am not a greeny, he just seemed like the best choice) fell into the vote democrat to save thier vote crap. For all the good it did them. Politics sucks.

8:02 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Erin O'Brien provided this enlightening comment...

I pledge full support to anyone who claims sole ownership on the sounds and odors associated with defecation.

Sorry Flamingo, but my vote goes to the little old lady. Broad's got balls.

badgod, could you please stop your incessant bellyaching?

8:15 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Hairy Prison Guard provided this enlightening comment...

I am calling on everyone to begin boycotting Flamingo's blog at once. I mistakenly thought he was a senstive fellow worth caring about. I was wrong. He is, apparently, really an asshole. I am very saddened to have realized this, but it is important to take decisive action once you figure things out.


There's nothing wrong with weeping.

8:56 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Between your field of work, neuroticism, and that penny story, I have to ask, are you Jewish??

9:46 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Chris provided this enlightening comment...

Cedar Rapids smells funny.

9:47 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger The Phoenix provided this enlightening comment...

I'm the same way - 4 years in high school, never ONCE did I poop at school. In college, I did my business when I knew no one else would be in our dorm's restroom.

10:16 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

I can poop anywhere as long as I have cleaned the toilet first. Granted the task of getting a public toilet clean enough is of a magnitude that I skip it and wait for a better opportunity.

10:34 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger The Velvet Fog provided this enlightening comment...

I generally hold on to my shit like it was money when I am in public. Unless it is an emergency situation.

I cannot understand the people that I hear in public restrooms. Who are these people that blast away with horrible snarts and farts like nobody is around? Have they no dignity?

10:38 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Complete Game provided this enlightening comment...

I was on a first date in college and near the end of dinner realized that I was in for a battle. I told her I'd be right back, went to the nasty public restroom (I had no choice), built my massive nest and sat down for the next full hour. When I finally came out, the place had closed and my date was gone. What a f'n night.

11:28 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

It ain't bent, Ned.

11:46 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

No, Psychic, I am not Jewish. I thought I was clearly on record as a Norse Polytheist. I worship the Norse gods (Odin, Thor, Loki, etc.).

You don't have to be Jewish to be an anal retentive, cheap neurotic...but it helps.

I may as well be Jewish, however. My wife teaches at a Jewish pre-school and we probably participate in more Jewish holidays than any other.

By the way, my bank is not owned by the Jews either. So the Arian nation is wrong on that point as well.

My, we are just dispelling all sorts of erroneous sterotypes today, aren't we?!

Rosenblatt, can you confirm whether the Jews are still in control of Hollywood? Given the movies that have come out recently, I wouldn't admit it if I were them.

11:48 AM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Omar provided this enlightening comment...

hi flamingo, there gonna be a memorial for crusher this evening @ his log.

12:05 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Complete Game provided this enlightening comment...

Sadly, yes, we're in control of Hollywood, the UN, the World Monetary Fund and anything else you're pissed off about. Please commence your favorite pogrom.


12:24 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...


12:49 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Femi-mommy provided this enlightening comment...

omg - have you seen fears friday on my blog? i told my tale of unpooedness last week - it must be a mingo thang.

and i think i missed something there with the old lady story - a. huh? and b. i wouldv'e just nonchalantly reached in her pocket and taken it back.

8:10 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

It was just a penny...but I had EXACT change. Let it go, it was just a penny...but it was EXACT change!!

10:16 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger BadGod provided this enlightening comment...

Why do I have to stop belly aching?

Huh? Why? That's not fair!

Everyone else can.

Word verification--uvnqaark--sounds like someone from Star Trek.

5:35 AM, November 10, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Pinky, you're sounding Jewish again...

7:13 AM, November 10, 2005  
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