Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Spewing Bile

I have been thinking a lot about you lately. There are a few things that I think we need to discuss about your behavior. It has really gone on long enough and I can't take any more of it without saying something. While each of my issues is something that you should have learned when you were in fucking kindergarten, it isn't too late to learn it now. In fact, it is about time that you did learn a few basic manners so that you can conduct yourself like an educated adult human when you go out in public.

The other night you sat in the row behind me at the movie theater. It was stadium seating, for Christ's sake, but somehow you still managed to kick the back of my chair. That alone would have been annoying enough but you also brought your small child to the movie and spent the entire movie chasing and attempting to control the little brat...until you were distracted by your cell phone. It really isn't appropriate to bring you small child to a movie other than one designed for small children (aka Disney movies). It also isn't appropriate to make bothersome noises while other people are trying to watch the movie. You see, the point is that everyone in the theater paid $9.00 to see the movie. They did not pay $9.00 to listen to you, your cell phone conversation and your spoiled child.

On Saturday, I saw you at the grocery store. I was standing third in line in the ONE line they had open. When they opened another checkout register, you raced ass over to the open register - even though you had just arrived at the BACK of the line. Why did you think that your time was so much more valuable than mine? I had been waiting there for several minutes already. But you didn't even offer me the opportunity to go next (I probably would have declined, by the way, but you didn't even offer). I was very offended by your lack of regard for everyone else that had stood in that line longer than you.

When I finally paid for my groceries, I pushed my cart outside and began loading my groceries into the back of my car. I noticed you across the parking lot. I saw you finish putting your groceries in the car and then I saw you leave the cart right in the middle of a parking space. No more than thirty feet away, there was a cart corral. Couldn't you have walked that 30 feet to put the cart in it? That way, the next customer could have used that parking space for the purpose it was intended; parking.

I pulled out onto the street behind you. You swerved into my lane on several occasions making me nearly have a heart attack and almost causing several accidents. When you are driving on a public street, focus on your driving. I saw you trying to dial your cell phone while, at the same time, trying to operate your car. It looks to me like you can't really handle both of those things at the same time. That's bad enough, but, as I mentioned, it impacted me - and nearly injured me. It pisses me off to think that you have so little regard for my safety.

On Sunday, I went out for dinner with my family. It was a lovely early dinner. My wife, my kids and I sat at a table in the middle of the dining room and began having a lovely conversation about school, work, our interests and the other events of the week. Then you and your family came in. You let your family - specifically that same small child that you took to the movie theater - ruin our dinner and our conversation by using the restaurant as a playground. Look, I realize that having small children can be difficult, I used to have two. But I either hired a babysitter or I made my children stay seated (it can be done with a firm hand and some steady discipline). The time to start teaching your child to sit in his chair at dinner time is in your home. Sure, you think your kid is cute. In any other environment, I might agree with you. When I am dropping $100 to spend some time with my family, I really resent it when you let your family ruin our time together.

I really hope you take all of this in the spirit it was intended. Anger was not the goal. All I ask is that you try to understand that other people are impacted by your behavior and make every effort to conduct yourself accordingly. There will always be times when we get in each other's way - but limiting the intentional run-ins would certainly help everyone get along just a little bit better. Now fuck off


Blogger Dongley Shlongford provided this enlightening comment...

That second photo has inspired me more than you could possibly imagine....

7:07 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger L>T provided this enlightening comment...

Hear, Hear! Where do these people come from? Are they spoiled only children?
have you noticed they have glazed look in the eye?
Prescription drugs?
Definite distorted sense of reality.

8:03 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

You have to drop $100.00 to spend time with your family? And only $100.00, you cheepo!

Did you have exact change in your pocket at the grocery store?

8:14 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger garrett provided this enlightening comment...

This post could've been a lot shorter had you just referred people to Ben Folds' fine song "All U Can Eat". But your post was marginally entertaining to read.

Lyrics to that song follow:


Son, look at all the people in this restaurant
What do you think they weigh?
And out the window to the parking lot
At their SUV’s taking all the space

They give no fuck
They talk as loud as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for them

Gonna get on the microphone down at Wal-Mart
Talk about some shit that’s been on my mind
Talk of the state of this great nation of ours
People look to your left
Yeah, look to your right

They give no fuck
They buy as much as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for them

Son, look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the National Geographic?
Squatting bare assed in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head, and maybe a bone in their nose

See that asshole with the peace sign on his license plate?
Giving me the finger and running me out of his lane
God made us number one because he loves us the best
Well he should go bless someone else for a while
Give us a rest

(They give no)
Yeah, and everyone can see
(They give no)
We’ve eaten all that we can eat

8:28 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Complete Game provided this enlightening comment...

And would it be too much to ask to have you flush the fucking toilet? Are you attached to your dookies so much that you want to share them with others? Or is the smell so overpowering that you must flee?

8:29 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger NowhereGirl provided this enlightening comment...

~snicker~... loves it, flocky... you brilliant biatch!

9:04 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Yes, Garrett's rendition is very succinct.

9:14 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger The Velvet Fog provided this enlightening comment...

State sponsored sterilization.

9:36 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Erin O'Brien provided this enlightening comment...

One method for dealing with people such as these is to approach them, grab a firm hold of their tie or ponytail (Or other such detail, the napkin from their lap, perhaps) and vigorously blow your nose in same.

This often prompts them to brusquely collect their offspring and vacate the area.

Although I've not performed this maneuver myself, I've seen it very effectively applied numerous times. Should work quite well for shlongford and our 7-foot-tall host.

11:43 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger FLAMINGO1 provided this enlightening comment...

I have, on occasion, used humiliation to counter the grocery store line move. It drives my wife nuts, but when you get some asshole that runs to the open lane in front of you, I will say, in a voice loud enough for everyone at the checkout area to hear - "THAT'S OK, WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD BECAUSE IT'S CLEAR THAT YOUR TIME IS MUCH MORE VALUABLE THAN MINE."

I doubt it has any real impact, but part of me likes to think that these people suffer some level of public embarassment.

11:51 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Everyone's time is much more valuable than yours.

12:35 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger The Phoenix provided this enlightening comment...

This must be the same person that decides to buy everything that's missing a price tag, so they have to go and manually find the price for each item. Then, when the poor retail workers are done shuttling back and forth, you whip out your check book and take extra long writing out a fucking check. Then you decide to stand there and do some bookkeeping while in line.

1:33 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Are you guys that far behind? I thought America was at the forefront of "convenience". Price Tags don't seem so convenient to me. There's no such thing as "missing price tags" where we come from. We have a glorious device called "the scanner".

1:40 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

I'm going home. It is 5:12 pm in Toronto and once I post this comment it will probably say 2:12 or 2:13pm who knows? Not I.

Have a good night pinky.



P.S. Oh, I forgot to mention; I was never a mistress. I was your wife. How dare you degrade me in such a manner you croked winged bimbastard!

3:14 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Chuck Dawson provided this enlightening comment...

Hey man, my time is more valuable than PDD's. Huh! I swear to God it is.


3:22 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Omar provided this enlightening comment...

Haircut??!! ...sounds like jealousy to me.

7:38 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PDD provided this enlightening comment...

Good day and weekend, my lovely flocker. I'm going home. It's 5:18pm (**Go over to - genet posted a hilarious story of his trip to Montreal. I literally had tears in my eyes.)

Off to the LCBO to buy me some grape. I'll drink a glass for you and cheers it in the air... to nothing... but I will be thinking of you nonetheless.

It's been fun,


3:21 PM, November 18, 2005  
Blogger crallspace provided this enlightening comment...

You made me want to beat someone's ass... the next person that does any of that is gonna feel my wrath (fist).

When I used to wait tables and people w/ misbehaved kids came around, it took every ounce of control to not smash the child's face into the mess they left on the floor.

11:15 PM, November 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous provided this enlightening comment...

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10:09 AM, February 16, 2007  

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